Escape From The Killing Fields

Monday Monday...

Slowly the big large huge mind numbing gap between sorrow and happiness is starting to close and stay closed. 

What I mean is flipping between 'mega happy' like Timmy Mallet or Mr. Tumble and 'mega down' like Sylvia Plath or Morrissey is happening less.

I woke up today and could have screamed for.... JOY - also I wanted to stay in bed because it was so warm and cosy.

There is something to be said for wanting to go where you need to be next and wanting to stay where you are because you are content. 

I have just bowled out of therapy at Stratford and feel a little bit tired but energised and ready for the rest of the day.

I have decided to disappear for an hour before attempting to work again, sitting in therapy and then trying to sit down to edit or plan a podcast is nuts, it has only taken me a year to work this out.

Too many plates in the air
At the risk of repeating myself I am finding the less and less I get involved in the faster I move forward. Tomorrow is the 'last event' for me of 2013 and then everything is online. In 2014 there are two events in January and then London Bloggers Meet Up - then in May in Paris there is Ouishare Fest.

I am keeping my nose out of anything else. There is a huge reward and pleasure in being focused and finishing stuff. All my life I have been doing six things at the same time, I have nearly always had two or three jobs, projects and schemes going simultaneously. 

I was thinking why? It's nuts.
Then I think I made the connection.
My "Kyrptonite" (well one of them) is losing something, losing anything.
In fact the mere mention of you leaving me, ending our project, stopping our event, breaking our relationship, taking my toy away will paralyse me.
The dumb thing is that in this situation I won't fight back, instead what I'll do is jump off the building first before you push me or I'll self destruct so I can leave before you fire me.

And just to make sure I'll line up another one of you so I can seamlessly (to the untrained eye) move between you and the new one.
I'll pretend I did not need you anyway, of course even more nuts is that until these last few months I have constantly put myself in situations that can ONLY produce a break up or end in doom.

I thought it was just me
I was reading my hero +Brene Brown discussing "belonging vs fitting in" - belonging means you are yourself and that's it. Whereas fitting in is constantly working to fit in to whatever is happening - it is dark, exhausting, manipulative and leads to stress, anger, depression and (wait that sounds familiar....)

A lot of my growing up was and endless task of fitting in, changing schools because I was a menace or going to boarding school.
Moving from boarding school where everyone was called 'Gerald, Charles, or Benedict' to an Essex 6th form college where everyone was called Rajesh, Stevie or Wayne was a shock. At the time I did not realise that only a small arse wiped percentage of the UK went go to boarding school.

There was one person at my 6th form college called Charles, and everyone called him Charlie, amazingly no one was called Gerald or Benedict.  

I became good at 'fitting in' - all my life I have perfected the art of 'leading by fitting in', I am highly skilled at quickly finding the background of relatedness between people, making a joke at my expense to put people at ease, finding connections between people.
However, I have started to consider if there comes a time when reality and whatever else becomes a haze and you feel like you're in the last quarter of "2001 a Space Odyssey'. A mate Francis challenged me one day saying, "Bernie if everyone you know was in a room at the same time you'd head would fall off" that was 10 years ago and it felt like he was plunging a hot poker into my eyeball. I have worked my way out of this nightmare situation and this year have put my flag in the ground where I want it to be and where it is best for #babybernie and #supercoolwife. 

Where I quickly belonged
When I arrived in Argentina the bit that "confused" me is how quickly everyone made me welcome and that was it. (Maybe it was the food....)
I felt like I'd known everyone for years. It has been nearly ten years now and I can't recall life without these people (sí, incluso usted) feeling like I belonged without even realising it was great, even when we spent three months there I still felt at home. This 'unconditional inclusion' had a massive effect on me accepting myself more and as this year has progressed I am really connecting with it more.

When my brother and sister in law were in the UK earlier in the year I felt shit, I was over joyed to see them but you would have thought they'd robbed me. At the same time they were beautiful, there was no 'pressure to perform' them just being here really helped, they did not do anything they just were there.

There was a time when I was ready to "flee" the UK, I had to escape before I went insane, now I am happy in both places.
I am bored shitless with travelling on the tube and ever more cynical about all our Politicians. When I was a lad at least you knew Thatcher was a money grabbing Nazi and Kinnock was an angry Welshman - these days politicians all look the same, sound the same and go to the same school reunion.
As I have got to know other places like Poland and Argentina better I have learnt more about where I am. 

BOLLOX, where was I? Ah! 
So I have focused on the things that I love and are mine.
I don't like clients, I don't like lots of things.
What I do love is what I am working on now, mainly because (most of it) can't be taken away, they are collaborations by movers and shakers who bleed when you cut them, not clients who think they are Napoleon or Kate Moss.
Most of all these things give me energy.
There is a very scary and seemingly dangerous void between stopping one way of being and starting the other, this time last year I was screaming for help, this morning I felt solid even with a bag full of problems - it is not over yet but this is the most settled I have felt for a long time.

Thanks for reading, sorry to ramble ;-)