Break for the Border & Clear of present danger....

OMG - the sky is falling in!

This week is really going to plan. What I don't mean is "I am cured - lets party!"

I mean I am thinking ever so slightly clearer than I have for years.
I keep getting flashbacks to of times when I felt clear and knew what was going on. In most of these I am aged 5 or 6 years old....

My hero cousin Emma accused me of over thinking things... I am quite sure she is right, out of all the people that have been around all my life she is one of the people's whose judgement I trust the most, she is amazing and gentle. (Unless you piss her off of course....;-)

Hard times
We spoke about how not to over think things - which then makes you over think things, we can't switch off. My mate Dan has been helping me slow down for years, maybe he should have just punched me and broken my legs to stop me! (Of course he is wiser than that.)


I feel like I have been  running with scissors for years, I wonder how I made it this far. Just to be clear, I don't mean I'm wild and untamed like Jimi Hendrix or Oliver Reed, just in my world I am amazed I made it this far.

I was reading +Brene Brown's book today and she spoke about 'fitting in vs belonging' and a penny dropped, actually it felt like a lump of gold bullion.

I have spent ages trying to fit in, to be accepted, it is like a habit that I don't know I have. Even before this blog "documenting my ruin" I would confide to some people how things were tough. Years ago I'd get WRECKED and eventually be able to say what was up, well I could not as I was so pissed but the emotion was there. I am both sorry and grateful to all of you who have listened to my drunken drivel as I lie face down in the road outside Bar Italia in Soho after heavy session at Break for the Border by Tottenham Court Road.

Does it fit?
Of course trying to fit in is an grim combination of soul destroying with mental exhaustion - yet so many of us do it everyday we don't even realise it.

Clear of present danger....
I don't think I have ever cared more than I do these days, on the same hand I don't give a rats arse what you think. Not in an objectionable manner (which I have done in the past) in a "I believe what I am saying now. The last few times I have given a talk or run an event I have spoken without thinking - very different from the speaking without thinking I used to adpot - I know what I stand for and if people don't agree I am prepared to listen. Also I am able to speak my mind, which is ok as it is now clearer, calmer and getting less and less angry by the day.

Also I have not had a suicidal thought for what seems like a long time, writing that feels nuts, like I am talking about someone else but can see inside their head. When I am rested now I go rest some more, I am repairing and really starting to feel it, this time I am slowing down and then slowing down again.

What has made the difference ? 
After a year of saying no, I have finally got to the end of the mess of obligations I created. There are still problems and 'aftermaths' but I know where I am going.
I am massively upfront about what I can and can't do, also I am NOT GOING OUT over Christmas, no shit parties, xmas drinks - I am hibernating with #babybernie and #supercoolwife - we have a tree to make!

Also here at 90Mainyard I am on a desk where I can see everything but no one is near me. I am both alone and with people, there is air, space and I can have my Matè drink here. I have started to get here really earlier and leave by 4:30pm whether I have finished or not.

I am sleeping better, seeing more of #babybernie and #supercoolwife and switching off.

I am really looking forward to 2014 - I have very little planned and A LOT of time blocked out.

Gotta run!

Thanks for reading!

Suggestions and comments welcome!