Bouncing Back 800 pills later.....

Last week was 'nice tough' rather than 'shit tough' - something was not quite computing. 

Last week I started writing posts here and could never finish them. I think it is the order I do things in. If I write a post here and then work the work comes better. If I think about the post all day and then write it my mind is clogged. BUT if I write the post I am left thinking I should be working.
If you understood that last paragraph you are smarter than me.
(I am going to finish those posts and back date them.)

It is Sunday night and I feel like I have been through the rinse.
I finished Friday night @90mainyard and was ready to not think about anything but #supercoolwife, #babybernie and cooking food all weekend.

Then things creep in, I spend 45 minutes on the phone on Friday night finally ordering my new cell phone and in the end the it turned out I had been talking to 'personal' not 'business' - which (as the nice man agreed) explained why none of the packages I quoted from the website matched with what he had available, then business does not open until Monday.

No big deal but I get really really exhausted by trivial bollox like this - I don't like to complain and I feel like I am complaining. I am well aware that those of you with terminal illnesses would love your biggest issue to be wasting 45 minutes on the phone like that.

On Saturday I got an email about the end of something, not an unreasonable end and maybe I can reorganise something but it is ANOTHER energy-fucking-zapping-problem-thing-to-think around.
It has occupied my head all weekend and I am really angry about that.
These little things get stupidly exaggerated, when you 'just stop thinking about it' you start thinking about it even more.
No one has died.
It is not the end of the world.
I get obsessed with it.

Ow, that hurt.
The smack in the face is that I built a system that cuts out the stuff that kills me or just does not work.
It is centred around things that give me energy, even if they are hard work.
I have worked out specific collaborations in my close network that help us both move forward faster.
All these things seemed to take so long to get going, the truth is they have taken an abnormal amount of time to fix.
This year everything seems to be like walking up hill in treacle. (While ducking paint balls being fired by irritated ex-girlfriends, ex-teachers and ex-bosses).

Bouncing Back
While I am bouncing back and on the mend I am completely and absolutely fucking mentally exhausted. If I get another set back this year I may well "Spontaneous Combust" on the spot.

This is not quite as bad as it sounds. Let me spell it out a bit.
After lots and lots of negative thoughts, crap situations and tears this year I am on the mend, if ANYTHING gets in the way of me mending I'll £u<king cut it. (Said in best East End gangster voice)

Popping Pills 
I have taken around 800 anti-depression pills this year, had around 40 therapy sessions, Lord knows how many meltdowns, had to ask people for help in the most fucking awkward situations.

It is true, if it does not kill you it can only make you stronger.
I have nearly been dead a few times in the last two years, my head has melted, and please don't underestimate out the effect this has on my family, friends and coworkers - honestly I am complete riot hangout with some days.

The Godfather
Most Saturdays #babybernie and I meet with 'The Godfather' and 'the twins' in the local park, we chase squirrels, fall off slides and then hit a café for mountains of bacon sandwiches and a punch up.
These weekly meetings are like going to a health farm, even if I am feeling crap and crap with a double dose of crap the fun and ease of the morning settles and centres me.

At the table 'The Godfather', who has been through worse than me (and come out the other side still looking fashionable) drops in little observations and words of wisdom as he passes the brown sauce.
This week it was something like 'when you start feeling ok - still rest' - you are running on negative reserves and you recovery time will be less and less and less. (Hence the uphill in treacle with paintballs). Sound obvious - you'd think.
What it means is I need to repair my Limbic system (or one of those brain bits) - which is not done with a hot bath and a couple of nuerofen plus - it has to be nursed back. This is why I had micro meltdowns, can't cope and shut down.

Sleeping until it is over.
At the beginning of the year, when I first was on medication I'd fall asleep standing up, everything was too much. I could sleep all day, which is great for a #supercoolwife who has to look after a red bull like #babybernie - NOT.
Many of you who are tackling depression, Bi-polar or working in shit 9-5 jobs have shared with me about energy, sleeping and coping.
No matter how many people tell you how to cope it still smacks you round the face like hot iron that then gets tapped to your face.
Then you feel like sleeping until it is all over, once or twice that have been for 24 hours.

What I wish I'd done
I really wish I'd started blogging like this earlier in the year.
Of course I did think about it - I have spent most of this year THINKING ABOUT lot's of things.
But I have been paralysed, the only thing exhausting than taking action is - thinking about taking action and thinking is a complete killer so you can imagine how unattractive action looks.....

What's wrong with you?
Books like Brene Brown's "I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Making the Journey from "What Will People Think?" to "I Am Enough" and Susan Cain's "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" and James Altucher's blog have really opened my eyes.

Writing this blog has scared the shit out of some people (sorry-ish), people have just stopped talking to me. Best of all people have opened up, I have stopped feeling like a stupid, fucking odd ball psycho, looser who screws everything up and started feeling like a regular human being.

It might be that I have attracted a group of people who are screwed up too,
I doubt it.
What I think is the case is that people are much more interesting than they let on, they are much more creative than they feel able to be and I know for sure that they put up a front that everything is ok when it is not.

You might read this and think 'what a twat,' (you can imagine my concern.)
My loosing face here means I have lost my front and exposed myself in a way that is healing me and making the relationships I have more amazing than ever. It is like my whole life is coming into focus, I could have done this years ago if I had had the balls to drop the front.

The people that I don't know what to do with are the ones that are happy upgrading their grey ford car for another grey ford car 2.5 years and getting bigger and flat screen TV every 2.3 years and have been watching Corrie or East Enders for 30 years now. WAKE UP! Do you know how much fucking TV that is? Three times a week for 20 years? - Anyway

The new stage.
I have one foot in the chiller and one foot in the fire right now.
As I am writing this I am mad.
Mad at how long it took to do everything this year.
Happy at how much I got done last week, in fact happy how much I got done in November.
Mad at how fucking long it took to get there. I had a plan in June and it only got shipped at the beginning of November. Why? Every time I moved forward something small would happen, a nasty letter from that poxy business loan, a bank charge, having my phone stolen, a software program dying, the wrong coloured tomatoes in the supermarket.
Of course people have let me down and things have not worked out - I am not mad at them - that is just life.

Only this.
In this 'new stage' I am only working with projects and people that are really in tune with me and that I believe in.
Of course they have to make money!
I am more interested than ever in money, but this time I have worked out my value, where to charge and who to work with.

Sometimes something happens that takes me away from 'the new stage' - this is when I get upset and anxious. I have to focus on a few things and build them, alongside repairing my head - anything else can get lost.

Also I get irritable, I need space to think. I don't like being irritable - it is rude, inconsiderate and ill thought out - also it is knackering to control in the moment.

What I find hardest is the small amount of energy I have to deal with things. When something happens my recovery time is AGES and I need longer and more space to think.

Walk this way
A lot of the time I feel like one of those snow globes that gets shaken up and has to settle, it takes longer to settle. The good news is this month after settling it has started to come back stronger, #supercool wife, #babybernie and I went for a two hour walk today - when we left I was stressed out, tired and confused, when we got back I felt warm and recharged and the walk had blown the cobwebs from the previous day out. Spending time with these two is so precious.

I am sure that is enough for now.
I have just been in to look at #babybernie - he is asleep with a huge smile on his face, so soon shall I be.

Thanks for reading today, thank you for your support, co working / podcasting / blogging love.

One more thing - Emma - I hope I have not over thought this too much ;-)