I did SOOOOOO much yesterday I am going to have to do finish it all today.
Time is something I have enough of.
The only thing I have more of than time is fear.
Not fear that I am about to die, that the cops are coming to get me or a plane is about to land on my house.
Fear that if something goes wrong today my new zest for life will be stamped on. The last few months have been shit. When I was little I'd drink too much vodka and would hoover up any narcotic that rolled across the table and then I'd feel shit the next day.
Life in the fast lane and the truth
I have not taken any decent drugs for nearly a decade.
This year I have had just one glass of wine and drunk more juice than ever!
I certainly feel better physically and mentally (even though I may sound like I don't. ;-)
They just make you hurt
I am uncovering the truth, I am connecting to me and not all of it is good. However, all of it is real which is bloody brilliant. Being a Dad has certainly made me look inside more honestly, somewhere I read if you believe something but don't live it that is a lie, hearing that was like being smacked round the face with a wet kipper.
Getting off of the bench
I was on a bench having coffee with my mate Phil yesterday and we were comparing motivations and ambitions. We were talking about fear and regret, Phil suggested that regret is harder do deal with than fear, the penny dropped for me.
I am scared as so much regret is fuelling my fear which is absolutely paralysing me.
Time to get off the bench and onto the court, the effort is all consuming - ridiculous as it sounds. "Just fucking get on with it" is so easy to shout at someone when they are not you.
Lets shift gears.
Stick with me it is going to get good.
In this talk at Google Campus London Chip Conely shares about business blah blah blah and about how we cope and get connected.
Chip mentions one of my favourite books "Mans search for meaning" (at 34 minutes) - "You can get over any kind 'how' if you know the 'why' of your life."
Having a bad day? Read 'mans search for meaning' and you'll realise you are not in a concentration camp' - Chip says that we put ourselves in our own mental prison and I agree.
Getting over "stuff" is a huge mental effort, mainly because you have to ask questions and be honest to yourself to the core.
**As you read this please don't think I have worked it out, know it all or could deliver a lecture at Phd level on Logo threapy (that is nothing to with branding BTW).
Also I discovered this book by looking up the word "Proactive" - I was sick of so many shit managers I worked with saying "lets be proactive team" - I have read the book four times, I still can't explain it or really comprehend it but the feeling you get after reading it is vital.
I don't know much.
What I do know is how not to give up.
I don't even know where that talent comes from but I am glad I have it.
This weekend the topic of rebirth came up. This really got my attention, I dived in the shower and shaved my head (not that anyone would notice), I have been meaning to do this for ages, I was coworking a few weeks ago and asked about my beard, two girls said I looked hot, everyone else said I looked like I was going through the toughest time of my life. I wanted to believe the girls but I thought more truth lay in everyone else's view, mainly because I just could not be bothered to shave.
So Saturday I shaved the last few bits of my hair and beard off.
Instantly I felt faster and clearer. I was thinking that the last thing I want to do is write about Rebirth, it sounds like something out a Woody Allen film.
Actually it is exactly what I needed to initiate. Popping anti-depressants the rest of my life is certainly not something I am up for.
My head is much more where Chip is than sinking into my sofa surrounded by pizza and shit TV.
So... I was really lucky to meet Dorie Clarke in London this year.
And something happened.
We met to podcast and on the first day I fluffed the time, actually I woke up and had a "sort of panic attack." All very dramatic (for me) We tweeted back and forth and re-arranged.
We met and I opened with "I have to come clean, this is what happened yesterday etc. etc." I joked that I would rather she know I was mentally unstable than just crap.
It was liberating and certainly added to the podcast, It was soooo much effort to take a risk and be honest about what was going on.
My point is that it turned from an interview to a conversation, I let go and went with my gut. I am standing here thinking about what to write, before I launch into a big flowerly Dorie worshipping session just trust me that she is very very cool and very smart.
I was walking around thinking about rebirth and how I knew what to do, most of it came from Dories book Re-inventing you - I'd never pick up a book about personal branding, I only read it because I heard her on Mitch Joels podcast.
However, it is not about personal branding, it is about much more important stuff that needs to settle in you before you do something, that is my take anyway.
I am on a mission this week, to work out loud and reinvent myself, of course I am not reinventing myself NOW - it started ages ago and has had some agonising turns on the way.
I am going to end there and will be back tomorrow with more.
Thanks to all of you for your feed back from the last couple of days both here and on facebook.
This was sent from my mobile device (sorry for any typos)