It seemed important at the time

I have been thinking about this all week.

The phrase that has been hanging in the all month is working out loud. (I'll come back and add the links in there later) (but I probably won't as I'll forget). 

ANYWAY

What ever will people think if we work out loud? If we let people know what we can and can't do?

I have been thinking about blogging like this for, er three years, ten years, actually even before anyone even invented blogging I had some form of mindless stream of consciousness going on.

I LOVE the James Joyce bit about "stream of conciseness" which is really cool if you are called Bowie, Orwell, Angelou, Attwood or Joyce, you can get away with writing anything and people will think it is cool.

Actually more people who are nasty will think it is not cool, and they won't be afraid to tell you.

The person who always takes the piss out of my work is....

We'll someone I have never met, I could not even tell you who they are.

Look, I know I am a loveable puppy that no-one would dare upset...
BUT in over five years on twitter people have been "beastly" to me about three times.

Also anytime someone has be "beastly" face to face to me I have asked for it, and then it has been in work situations or some kind of personal development situation that I am in by choice.

ANYWAY, bollox where was I? AH! Working out loud ( I had to get the link....)

Ok so working out loud is directed at people who work in big corporations.
I am little me, hammering away at my laptop in co-working groups and in my kitchen (on the floor) - but I am going slightly insane.
(See previous posts)

Actually I have gone a bit insane and now I am on the way back ;-)

I am way past the "portrait of an artist as a young man" - I'd love you to think I was gazing out the window pulling on a Marlboro Red as my muse whistles over the roof tops and through the trees rests by my gourmet coffee before manifesting itself into prose on my beautiful keyboard.

BOLLOX

I have been on the edge for so long it became normal and the last few months, as I have addressed the issue have left me feeling like sea gull on the wrong side of a 747 engine over the English Channel.

I have to "just do it" FAST.

Please don't get scared, this next bit is sharing out loud, I am not looking for sympathy, your sorror or you to send money.
I have LOADS of support, amazing family, friends, therapist, a ruthless mentor and I want to get well, even if I have to pull myself kicking and screaming to the party I certainly do not intend to become "Bernie the depressed one".

I just need to start writing about it out loud so I stop thinking about it.

Living in your head

Over the weekend another HUGE wave of "I hate myself" came over me and I did battle using a lightsaber and spider plant to fend off the "negative energy".
It occurred to me that I'd spend too much of the week looking for the "answer" (which I know is a shit idea) waiting for the planets to be aligned so I could move forward.

Then I started to really hate myself,
I mean you'd never admit this in an open room would you?

At the end of a co-working session when everyone shared "what they did today" you just could not say "I spent the day thinking about killing myself because I am a looser and the world is against me" - not because it is social unacceptable, far from it.
You could not say it because in about 8 seconds your case would fall down, it is simple not true and you know it is not true but until you say it out loud it is very real.

I was listening to a book today and the author was asked "what did you learn?" - simple enough.
Accept they were asked this following the death of their child and some of the toughest decisions of their life.

Fuck me, I'd love to tell them how hard done by I am - I would not even be able to open my mouth. 

I may make fun of myself here, but the reality is some days my brain feels like someone is pouring hot lava into it and quickly following that up with a super sized order of shit weather and grey clouds.

But I had to think, what am I learning?

So far what I have learnt is this, I get hectic, manic, tired, very tired and often feel stopped.
However, I never give up, I really care and starting something really is half done ;-)

More tomorrow and you can hold me to that....

So today I have started something stupid, well I started it ages ago - now I am sharing.

BTW pardon the typos - this is sent from my mobile device.