It is like there is "no signal" getting through to the part of my brain that needs to hear about the positive things.

I need to write this first line to actually know where to begin. I have been walking around trying to get started with work for ages and something keeps nagging my head.

That thing is this. How yesterday I was completely wiped at the end, I had to stand up on the tube so I did not fall asleep. The day had gone REALLY well, I have so much to look forward to but I was still tired and also had a deep sinking feeling of regret.

Yet I had nothing to regret.

I was talking to someone at an event and said I have never been more "in my flow" yet have these waves of horror that something bad is happening. It is like there is "no signal" getting through to the part of my brain that needs to hear about the positive things. However, today ANYTHING is possible, I am full of zest and action.

At that point I must jump in and say sharing this stuff is not an attempt to motivate you towards gushing sympathy, charitable donations or to go all weird when we meet.

After the last two blogs 
I am amazed at the reaction of people, I knew I was not alone, some people approach their condition with love, acceptance and humour - I am going this route for sure!
Others can't let anyone know because they will seen as "weak" in their workplace, which is tragic. Of course all the pictures of smiling families on that company's brochures and website are bollox.

I made a point of being MEGA transparent in 2013, I am always open but I did not feel I was being me, I had put in place coping mechanisms that turned into pretending mechanisms. All the people I really really really respect are upfront and practise bullet proof honesty, life is easy with them because you always know where you stand with them.
Also people know anyway, why pretend?

I have amazing support.
My family, friends and coworkers are just so cool! I work with a mentor who is wise, firm, fun and encouraging. My therapist is awesome she does not let you hide anywhere, while I leave the sessions tired and challenged I feel progress even if it is uncomfortable.

Also I have put in place a few "fail safes" so if I have a bad day I don't fall behind, I rest a lot and know who to call when I am down. I watch out for cycles of doom, I am certainly not immune from them but I find going for a walk and then lying down for a nap is better than just lying down. 

One key factor is making sure I get to my coworking group, the act of going somewhere and being with people is gold dust. Everyone makes jokes, makes tea and geeks out, no one walks around with a violin or lets you take yourself too seriously. It is a little bit of heaven on earth.

Gotta go to work! Thanks for reading