For years I have pretended to have an issue with being on time. I even invented a few incidents like chopping the top of my finger off, being depressed and volcanic ash from Iceland to make sure people never found out the truth.
I help people. Tonight I was late for dinner in Essex. I pretended that I had left 90Moanyard late. Really this is what happened.
The names have been changed to protect the innocent
As I walked through the Olympic park towards Stratford a bus turned the corner and tipped over.
It suddenly spun round and the slight incline of the road meant it quickly built up momentum and started to spin on its side towards the building site where new student accommodation is being constructed.
Sparks flew onto the road as the metal from the bus connected with metal railings that lined the bridge. I could see the driver helplessly holding the steering wheel... well steering wheels only work when your vehicle is upright.
200 metres and running
The bus hurtlied towards the base of the 200 meter high crane. Moving at the speed it was it certain to knock it over into the nearby crowded Westfield shopping centre where Jamie Oliver was making a rare public appearance.
100's of local school children had cramed into the Market Street area near Waitrose to see Jamie Cook and an organic bacon sandwhich with Kevin Bacon.
How to stop a bus
Even though the bus was moving fast it was all happening in slow motion. I looked at the path ahead of the bus and ran towards it.
I had no idea what I would do when I got there but I knew the answer was to be found there.
This is a job for Siri and Google
I tightend my back pack and sprinted off, my DM's making light work of the wet road, I pressed the button on my headphones and Siri kicked in, I took a deep breath and calmly asked, "How to stop a bus sliding at 100 miles an towards a crane that will fall over into a shopping centre basement where a celebrity Essex chef is making a bacon sandwich with an actor of the same name, in front of an audience of local school children that were not picked to be part of the Olympic opening ceromony" Phew!
"We have three results"
Said the same voice as the national lottery.
There was a huge crash, the bus had hit a parked car and knocked it off the bridge. It lunged through the barrier and exploded in a ball of fire as it plummeted into the wetland below.
"There are three ways to stop a bus...."
"If you happen to be wearing Doctor Marten boots..."
I jumped in front of the bus and stuck my leg out with my Doctor Marten boot facing the oncoming meteor like red object - every few seconds I could see the "388 Stratford City" on the front of the bus flash round.
I dug my other boot into the Tarmac and sung a few lines of #Bowie's Ziggy Stardust to keep me focused ....
"...and it was allllllright - the band was all together..."
The Bus connected with my BOOT.
My body shock and the vibration traveled through my body so fast I though I'd turn to dust like vampire that has been exposed to sun light in a high wind.
The energy travelled down to my other DM boot and gathered there like a waterfall filling a ballon.
There were a few seconds of the DM and the tarmac of the road deciding which way this was going to go.
My heart stopped. Really stopped.
I could see the people in the bus, I could hear their shrieks of fear, their prayers said out loud and see the whites of the eye of the people by the windows.
"Laughed at his long black hair, his animal grace..."
I wondered why this Bowie song had pooped in my head. I started to think that something more classical and cinematic would have worked better.
The Tarmac and the DM reached an agreement and collaberared on a superfast grip that temporally paralysed me and enabled the soles of both DM boots absorb the full force of the momentum of the bus.
I blacked out.
The next thing I know
I am being handed a cup of tea by a policewoman named Juliet.
"Bravo! Are you ok now?" She smiles.
The bus driver is next to me wrapped in a red blanket. Why are ambulance blankets always red? To hide the blood?
He is visibly shaken, he thanks me and says that the bus was packed, it was the busiest he had been all day, eveyone was racing to see Jamie Oliver make a bacon sandwhich.
There were 10 weight lifters who had got on near Wood Green and were all sat at the top of the bus on the left had side, their combined weight and the wind had made the bus unstable on the corner.
I got a text. "Where are you?"
"On my way" I replied back, I was to stubbed to explain.
"Will you be ok getting home?" Asked Juliet.
"Yes, I am just going to West Ham to change trains.
"We are going that way now , jump in and we'll give you a lift".
So there I was looking at the soles of my boots as we hurtled round Stratford City towards West Ham, Juliet and her partner Starsky dropped me at Canning Town as they had to go to another emergency on the Barking Road.
I looked at the new text on my phone. "Where are you? Are you on your way?"
I took a picture of the station sign and texted it.
Still trying to make sense of the events that had just happened, I had no energy to talk.
"Why are you so late? You said you were leaving 45 minutes ago!" Read the next text.
I texted back to say I had fallen asleep on the train and that is why I was at Canning Town, I did not know how to explain what I had just done.
"I was busy with Hootsuite and my blog - sorry." I lied, it was easier. They'd never believe I had saved a bus and Jamie Oliver.
The train arrived and I stepped onto it. Out the corner of my eye I saw a small boy scraping a toy double decker bus along the window of the train, he was making screeching noises without thinking I stamped my boot like I was putting out a fire.
He stopped immediately and shot me a nasty look as he did. I am not sure he'd understand what had just happened if even if he knew.
P.S. Ana and Supercool wife - sorry I was late.